Nerd Poseurs

I spent a good portion of my youth either in denial or naïveté, whichever suits you. Growing up in suburban Topeka in the 90's, when shit was going down but everyone just talked about Fred God Damned Phelps, I found myself in the midst of a mass of mysterious mixed up misfits. During this spell, I was awkward as hell, burst out of my shell, and came to understand that not buying the right brand would lead to untold reprimand, but only on certain social stands. I was a nerd. A nerd, sirs and ladies, of the caliber of Mercedes. The nerdiest nerd ever you have heard. Among the few, the proud. The last of the Topekans.

One of those Topekans passed away last week. But we'll get to that later.

So now I'm 37. I'm running across a dilemma. There are apparently people who are now among us posing as nerds. Please be advised, this is unfortunately not a test. Nerd imposters are out there. Hell, you might be one of 'em. But I'll tell you one thing. I sure as hell am not.

An imposter, I mean. I am not an imposter. I am a nerd of the highest order, and I embrace it fully. I'm sure that anyone reading this should know that this guy is a nerd, with capital letters. See, that's a nerd joke, because it's in print. Not capitalized, mind you, but just identified that, when reading, you should capitalize the letters. Total nerd.

So when did nerd become hipster? 'Cause it happened some time. Now you got weird guys who appear intelligent because they got skinny jeans, long beards, and white rimmed sunglasses. Sounds like typical nerd fashion gear, to me. It's like the social elite have honed in on the nerd's ability to know shit about shit that most people don't know. They aren't really nerds, they just dress that way for fashion. What the literal fuck.

So one of my friends, a total nerd, by the way, passed away last week. Stroke. 39. Little boy left behind. Just heart wrenching. Awful stuff.

But I think about him and his life and I know that his kid looks fucking exactly like him. Seeing the two of them in the same time and place as each other was a rare and precious gift that some of us got. That's pretty remarkable.

Speaking as a nerd gone punk (probably just a poser), I know what it's like to be hassled for absolutely no reason on earth. Sometimes it's exactly what you deserve, what you need. Just depends on who, how, why.

If you or a loved one have issues with nerdery or hipsterdom, please feel free to contact us in the comments section. Counselling is available, and you are not alone.

Nerd Poseurs

I spent a good portion of my youth either in denial or naïveté, whichever suits you. Growing up in suburban Topeka in the 90's, when shit was going down but everyone just talked about Fred God Damned Phelps, I found myself in the midst of a mass of mysterious mixed up misfits. During this spell, I was awkward as hell, burst out of my shell, and came to understand that not buying the right brand would lead to untold reprimand, but only on certain social stands. I was a nerd. A nerd, sirs and ladies, of the caliber of Mercedes. The nerdiest nerd ever you have heard. Among the few, the proud. The last of the Topekans.

One of those Topekans passed away last week. But we'll get to that later.

So now I'm 37. I'm running across a dilemma. There are apparently people who are now among us posing as nerds. Please be advised, this is unfortunately not a test. Nerd imposters are out there. Hell, you might be one of 'em. But I'll tell you one thing. I sure as hell am not.

An imposter, I mean. I am not an imposter. I am a nerd of the highest order, and I embrace it fully. I'm sure that anyone reading this should know that this guy is a nerd, with capital letters. See, that's a nerd joke, because it's in print. Not capitalized, mind you, but just identified that, when reading, you should capitalize the letters. Total nerd.

So when did nerd become hipster? 'Cause it happened some time. Now you got weird guys who appear intelligent because they got skinny jeans, long beards, and white rimmed sunglasses. Sounds like typical nerd fashion gear, to me. It's like the social elite have honed in on the nerd's ability to know shit about shit that most people don't know. They aren't really nerds, they just dress that way for fashion. What the literal fuck.

So one of my friends, a total nerd, by the way, passed away last week. Stroke. 39. Little boy left behind. Just heart wrenching. Awful stuff.

But I think about him and his life and I know that his kid looks fucking exactly like him. Seeing the two of them in the same time and place as each other was a rare and precious gift that some of us got. That's pretty remarkable.

Speaking as a nerd gone punk (probably just a poser), I know what it's like to be hassled for absolutely no reason on earth. Sometimes it's exactly what you deserve, what you need. Just depends on who, how, why.

If you or a loved one have issues with nerdery or hipsterdom, please feel free to contact us in the comments section. Counselling is available, and you are not alone.

Aesop's Fable

I wrote an Aesop fable many years ago and recently brought it up in conversation. Here we go...

Tadpoles in a Small Pond

   Once upon a time there were two tadpoles who lived in a small pond. One tadpole was much smaller than the other and didn't have any legs. The other tadpole was larger and had developed small little frog legs. One day they were speaking with each other and the small tadpole says to the large tadpole,
   "I really like living in this small pond. It's safe, and all of my food is right here."
   The larger tadpole replies,
   "Are you crazy? I can't wait to become a frog I'll be able to jump around on dry land and I'll be able to breathe air and I'll be able to catch food with my tongue flying through the air. It's going to be great!"
   Just as they were having this conversation a large bass spied both of them. Both tadpoles shot off like bolts and swam for the safest spot that they knew about. As they both neared a very small opening near the shore, the smaller tadpole just couldn't swim as fast without the legs. The bass gobbled him up. The larger tadpole used his small frog legs to muscle through the water, but as he approached, realized that his body had gotten too big for the very small opening. He became stuck, and the bass gobbled him up, too.

Only the tadpole that is wise in both body and mind will grow to become the frog.

Roux

Roux is a conceptual term used by cooks to describe a base for a cream gravy, sauce, or binder. Glutens are first heated in oil, turning them into thickening starches, leaving just proteins in water on which to bind. If you have flour and oil (or butter), and you heat it for five minutes, then add stock or lactose. Stir like crazy. In three minutes, you should have an awesome cream sauce.

Don't forget to stir like crazy.

The polar opposite of this concept is reduction. That's where you cross over from cream sauce to beurre blanc. This involves a combination of aromatics and wine, reducing au sec (to where there is no moisture left), then adding cream and reducing still further (2/3rds reduction), until you have an amazing sauce that can only be finished with copious amounts of butter.

Both sauces are delicious and simple, though one definitely requires more time than the other.

Spectrum Analysis

Color temperature is a characteristic of visible light that has important applications in lighting, photography, videography, publishing, manufacturing, astrophysics, horticulture, and other fields. In practice, color temperature is only meaningful for light sources that do in fact correspond somewhat closely to the radiation of some black body, i.e., those on a line from reddish/orange to yellow to more or less white to blueish white. It does not make sense to speak of the color temperature of, e.g., a green or a purple light. Color temperature is conventionally stated in the unit of absolute temperature, the Kelvin, having the unit symbol K.

Color temperatures over 5,000K are called cool colors (bluish white), while lower color temperatures (2,700–3,000K) are called warm colors (yellowish white through red). This relation, however, is a psychological one in contrast to the physical relation implied by Wien's Displacement Law, according to which the spectral peak is shifted towards shorter wavelengths (resulting in a more blueish white) for higher temperatures.

The stars burn with white and yellow-hot heat, blue and gold bottle rockets that crackle and spark for what might as well be called forever. The intense amount of energy required to keep the flame glowing at a sustained rate is, quite literally, astronomical. The surprise twist: "cool" colors with shorter wavelengths, blueish, burn much hotter than "warm" colors; and remember, it doesn't make sense to speak of the color temperature of a green or purple light.

You can't tell at what temperature a green or purple flame burns, because those colors are simply not a part of the color temperature spectrum.

The Day the World Moved

It seems like only yesterday I was leaving my realm at Harper Corner Liquor store, naive and unaware of the wild ride which lay before me. Wild, indeed.

I am now engaged to be married to Joni Morter, I've spent some time considering things other than beverages (I know, hard to believe, ain't it?), and I'm about 17,000 words into a novel project that has been in the works for some time, now. All in all, I'd say things are as good as they can be.

In the spirit of posting things online that are actually worth reading, I offer my most recent piece of short non-fiction. Keep your eyes peeled here to find the latest updates on new short fiction, non-fiction essays, and, of course, Stull. Now, for your viewing pleasure, please enjoy a free reading of my experience at the Lawrence Journal-World in the following unpublished article, The Day the World Moved. Please note that this was not published anywhere, so the names of the innocent have not been changed to protect anyone or anything. Hope you enjoy.

The Day the World Moved

By Jonathan Tipton

When I first started working in the mailroom for the Journal-World in 2012, I met a man by the name of Arthur Polk.  In his 60’s, Art was a man of few words; even fewer printable ones.  Blue-collar to his core, Art had worked off and on for the Journal-World for over 15 years delivering, driving, manufacturing, and doing all of the things that get the news directly to people’s front steps.  I worked with this guy three or four times before he started to call in due to shoulder pain.  After a couple of months, we found out Art had been diagnosed with cancer.  Indeed, Art’s story ended shortly following the news, and the next time we saw anything about him was in the obituary section of the Journal-World. To make matters worse, we learned that his family was not his biggest fan. They arranged for no burial plot, no viewing, not even a funeral service. It was sad. There were the feelings that somehow things just weren’t fair.

In the 1890’s, when the Journal-World first began to print in Lawrence, an industry was born.  Still reeling from the social and political backlash of the Civil War, the Journal-World represented to Kansas an independent voice standing as an incarnate example of the freedoms our founding fathers fought so hard to earn.  It was also the beginning of something exciting and new for Lawrence, a thing that would build character for the people of our fair city for generations.  Now, since mid-January, the printing presses of the Journal-World have shut their doors, leaving the pressman and mailroom staff to fend for ourselves.  To me, and to the 37 other full-time employed pressman and mailroom workers and managers, it, again, almost seems unfair.  Here we are, having developed the craft of newspaper-making, having learned the intricacies of operating a press and industrial inserting machines, having honed all the skills of manufacturing newspapers, only to find that we would be the last generation of workers to do so.  When I first heard the news, I couldn’t help but think what colorful remarks Art would have had, had he been around long enough to hear it.

During the overnight shift, I once found myself weighing out individual papers to calculate shipping when I noticed an award sitting on a columnist's desk. I took a closer look at the title of the article, heavily conscious of the new developments in the industry. The article, an inspirational call to attention about 9/11, was titled The Day the World Moved.  I don’t disagree with the statements that article had to make.  I do, however, feel that this may be the most appropriate time to borrow the title.  I suggest to you that perhaps the World did not, in fact, move that day.  But it did, for all of us, in mid-January.  So… is it over?

Of course not.  There will always be news, and in this modern age of the Twitter-sphere and Facebook, news is not only available, but in high demand; higher demand than ever, in fact. The staff writers will still tell us all where the Best Bets are, people will still struggle to scratch out the incorrect answers in the crossword puzzle, and recipes for bacon-wrapped items will still fill the pages of our beloved newspaper.  We, the pressman and mailroom workers, will all find our new places in this new world.  The manufacturing sector will still employ the hard-willed, hard-working, hard-scrabble ruffians who need some character-building.  It will be sad to know that the rhythmic hiss and pump of the press won’t be heard in the streets of Mass at midnight, but it will be a chapter in the Journal-World’s life that will be just as exciting as it was when the press fired up to turn metal on the first early editions in the 1890’s.

In the movie Ghostbusters, Jeannine, the secretary, strikes up a conversation with Dr. Egon Spenglar about what kinds of books he’s reading, Spenglar’s response is, “Print is dead.”  How prophetic, given that the film was made almost 30 years ago, and printed media all over the world steadily declines today.  Underqualified though I may be, I respectfully submit that I disagree with Dr. Spenglar.  Print will always exist, whether it’s on paper, or it’s on an iPad.  That is the freedom that our founding fathers sought to protect, and that’s the freedom the Journal-World will still employ in its daily journey to feed hungry Lawrencian masses starving for information. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that print is less dead, now, than is Dr. Egon Spenglar.

This story is not about the death of print, or of Art Polk, or of any of us in the press and mailroom.  This story is about the day the World moved.  Indeed, it is not over.  It’s just moving.  It always has, and it always will. We lament those who have fallen.  We are moved by these stories, we are moving forward with our own new stories, and we will continue to move forward as long as there are stories worth telling and people who find them worth reading.  This brings me to my final point.

You, the people of Lawrence, have all been a part of this journey, and we have taken it together with you.  I, for one, know that there’s nothing more fulfilling than knowing that you’ve done a job well and getting the recognition for having done so.  After 122 years, you still read the Journal-World's printed words on your tablets, on your smart phones, on your computer screens, or even on your hard-copy porch drops.  The World's stories are worth telling because the people make them happen. The World writes them. We just printed them. Even though we can no longer print the news, we can all still be a part of it like we all are. Thank you for giving us news to print (however it was/is printed).  Thank you for trusting us to create and distribute the premier news source in our fair city for twelve decades. Thank you for letting us deliver the news to you as we all adapt to the 21^st century.  We are eternally grateful to the World, as we know the World was to us.

All Aboard the J-Train

So is everyone ready to begin?

For those who don't know what the heck is going on, please be patient. Not many of us really do. Not really. However, for those who do know what is going on, remember one thing: You're not any cooler for knowing what's going on, and no one will treat you any differently (including me).

THE WORLD OF BEVERAGES IN LAWRENCE, KS...

Things have changed around here, folks. Take a look at the shelves next time you're in the liquor store. What do you see? I'll tell you what I see. I see a new 21st Anniversary Smokestack Series Pale Ale from Boulevard Brewery in Kansas City. I see 12-oz 4-packs of Tank 7, Sixth Glass, Dark Truth Stout, and Single Wide IPA, for around $10.00. I see our very own Free State Brewery has finally overcome years of difficulty and produced 6-packs of Oatmeal Stout, Copperhead Pale Ale, Wheat State Golden, and (my favorite) Ad Astra Ale. I see a bright new future for the bustling burg of L-town, and it just keeps getting better.

But it doesn't stop in Lawrence, friends!

I see EUPHORIA PALE ALE from Ska Brewery has finally made it to Kansas this year! Euphoria, for those who aren't aware, is a seasonal pale ale made in the west coast tradition, featuring bright cascade hops glimmering in a copper color that warms the heart on those cold winter nights. Served in a throwback RC-Cola-blue can, this ale is quite nice; among some of the best stuff you can find in a can. If you can still find it on the shelf, do yourself a solid and (like the ska kids say) pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!

So hold on to your helmets, kids...

The world of beverages in Kansas is changing, and not in a bad way. In fact, it has taken me some time to realize this, but beer and wine are not alone in the world of crazy changes. So let's take a few minutes to sit back and gaze upon the larger world of libations, shall we?

WHISKEY AND RUM

Indeed, whiskey and rum are no new thing. In fact, whiskey may be one of the oldest things. When Scottish farmers first stored their mash in barrels and kept them in caves along the coast, they gave the viscous liquid the name ouise-ge which, I believe, loosely translates to something like "drinky, drinky, let's get stinky." But these days, whiskey is getting a new face (and no, I'm not talking about Kid Rock). With the new infusions of honey being introduced by Wild Turkey and Evan Williams, new cherry infusions presented by Jim Beam and Evan Williams, and other products working their way into the market, like cachaca rum from Brazil, it certainly looks like our holidays may be filled with some interesting hot beverages. Rest assured, I will post new recipes for the updated ingredients.

I'm just saying:

Hot Honey Toddy, Hot Buttered Cachaca, and Cherry Bomb hot chocolate. Oh, yeah. Also, you may want to start saving up to try and pick up a bottle of something called Rum Chata. It's only around $25.00 a bottle, but well worth your while. Do it. Seriously.

After all...

You're worth it!